a_kestrel

Reading back over the last few entries I made last year, it seems clear how I forgot all about this live journal. I had just connected with the homeschool group down in Denver and Gwenhywfar was going through her cancer scare.

I ended up making a lot of good friends out of the homeschool group. Gwenhywfar got through her ordeal and emerged stronger and more beautiful than ever! Things are so much better than they were.

So, I'm glad Rhiannon reminded me that I had this journal because I think the time is right for me to dust it off and get back into writing so I won't feel so dull. Now to master the learning curve on how to use it properly. And I need to get an attractive photograph of myself to upload. That should be a challenge! I guess I'll have to enlist some help because hubby has never taken a photo of me yet that I didn't hate.

Current Mood: awake

This afternoon I was planning to take the boys to the either the arboretum or a nearby pond that has a nice walking path around it in order to get out of the house and have some exercise. But for some reason, I found myself driving downtown to Roosevelt Park. In a bit of verbal whimsy or pun, Roosevelt Park features a very impressive civic rose garden. I love to go there and breathe in the perfume of these amazing plants.

I negotiated with my 3 y.o. before getting out of the car the following sequence of events. First, we would take a trike and stroller jaunt through the park. Then we would go and admire the roses and finally we would play on the playground. He agreed to this and we set off.

As we came into the rose garden area, I spotted an old man gardening. I told my son that I wanted to talk to this guy for a minute and I approached him. "Are you the person who is responsible for caring for these beautiful plants?" I said. "Yep, that's me," he replied. I began to tell him about my interest in learning to grow roses. I explained that I had joined the Master Gardeners the year before in a quest to learn how to grow herbs and roses but that I hadn't learned much about either subject. I mentioned that I had moved here from Ohio. He asks me, "where in Ohio?." And I say "Chillicothe" and at first I don't think that he recognizes the name. But then I realize that he is in amazement because he is from a nearby village (one that I hadn't even heard of, but I didn't really explore the area that well). Well we proceed to bonding quite quickly after that. I escort my son over the playground and then come back to talk a bit more. He offers to teach me how to tend the roses. I make plans to come again next Monday afternoon. But I don't have anyone to watch the kids.

So anyway, I'm over at the playground with them when a pretty cool looking woman shows up with a little boy between the ages of my two boys. The kids play together and she and I fall easily into a casual but interesting conversation. It turns out that she just moved back to Colorado after living six years in Hawaii. Her husband is a competitive skier of some kind and they are living in and fixing up a property belonging to her mother nearby the park until the locate a place to buy in Vail. They are planning to spend the fall in this town and move to Vail during the season.

After a while, I mention to her my plans to come down next week and learn propagation from stem cutting from Alex the Gardener and she says, "here's my cell phone number. If I'm not house-hunting that day, I'll come down to the park when you get here and hang out with the kids while you do the roses." I was thinking, "Sweet!" But I kept my composure and was very polite and gave her my information too.

When I was talking with Alex the Gardener, he said I should wear my green straw cowboy hat that I had on every time so he would recognize me. It came out in conversation that I had two daughters who were 19 and 21. He said, "how old are you?" And I said, "42". And bless his heart, he said, "you don't look over 25." Then he tells me that he is 81. And still working a full-time job in the summer heat. He has a beatific expression and I can tell that he has a mystical relationship with those plants. He loves the roses and the roses sustain him. I look forward to learning from this mentor.

He said that he works from the first week of August through October and I can come and learn from him anytime and I can come and deadhead on my own at any time and I can collect the rose petals if I wish to make potpourri or soap or anything such as that.

Current Mood: tired

I belong to a Pagan Mommas on-line group for the Denver Metro Area. It's a bit out of my way, but I couldn't find anything like it where I live. One of the members of the group just started a Pagan-friendly homeschooling group. The first meeting is tomorrow at a lakeside beach and public park near Littleton.

My sons and I are so lonely and isolated. My three year old is so addicted to television that he actually dreams about it at night. So I'm more than willing to drive an hour for the chance that I might be able to make friends with some Goddess Women with whom I can be myself and with whom I can be part of a circle of caring and sharing, rather than competing and distrusting.

I spent the better part of the day yesterday getting my van cleaned out and ready to go. It was so filthy but I find it difficult to work in the front of the house with the kids. The street is so close by and it only takes about 30 seconds of distraction on my part for the boys to get into trouble or danger. It was frustrating as hell having them out there as I tried to get the van clean but it was worth it. It looks fantastic now. I've got my wagon and sand toys packed already. All my towels and suits and extra clothes are in the van. I need to make some hummus and maybe bake something to share like oatmeal cookies or something.

Although my boys are kind of young for homeschooling, I thought I'd observe this group and make some friends and contacts for the future. They are planning a once-per-week Thursday Park outing which should work out nicely for us. I think I will offer to come early each week and scout out the good locations and just be there for anyone who would like to come early. Since I'm driving that far, I'd prefer to make a day out of it. Maybe I can get some tarot reading trades going or something like that.

They also want to eventually celebrate the sabbats with the kids and start a "stich-n-bitch" which is something I had never heard of before but knew what is was as soon as I read it. I laughed so hard. Well, here's my opportunity to learn how to sew that I've been wanting! I want to learn how to make dolls and baby shower items such as appliqued bibs, things like that. It sucks that it's in Denver though!!!!! I'm back to being the one from out of town again, just like with my friends back home. I want people to come to my house too.

I had been thinking of starting a Pagan Playgroup once a week here at the house. Maybe after I talk to these other women and get some ideas I'll go forward with that. Playgroup here on Tuesdays and then Thursdays in Denver. That might give my life the added structure and variety that it needs so desperately.

My only other solace, my Mystic Rose Sisterhood group seems to be falling apart again after a brief moment of excitement. All my tarot readings about it indicate that it will be successful eventually and that it is more important than I tend to give it credit for.

Current Mood: drained

Yesterday I went to an acquaintance's baby shower. I had been looking forward to it for several weeks. It was pretty exciting to be invited to anything considering how lonely I've been. So I went. And it was nice. But it was kind of depressing too.

You know, I've had four children of my own and most of my friends have had kids. My sister has had six of the little boogers. I've witnessed all of my kids being born, two of my nieces being born, and my precious little granddaughter being born. I think I have some idea of what I'm talking about when it comes to having babies.

There were two pregnant women at the shower. They sat and talked about how much it was going to hurt, how they were going to do this or that manipulative behavior to their husbands, how they were going to get an epidural, how they were going to pawn off the baby to grandma as soon as possible and go out to the bar and get drunk. I just kept thinking, you're going to get just what you're expecting.

How about expecting little or no pain with childbirth? I'm not full of shit here. My second daughter and my second son were both born with little or no pain. My first daughter and first son could have been less painful if I would have had access to midwife care instead of doctors and nurses who were messing with me. But even those births were more like just intense sensation than EXCRUCIATING PAIN. Give me a break. It has so much to do with your expectations.

It made me so sad to listen to these women use their powerful words to create a reality that they didn't really want, but have come to believe is inevitable. But no one ever listens to me....except I think my older daughter did figure some stuff out the last time....she's being very selective about both the hospital and the practitioner this time. But since she's on Medicare she doesn't have a whole lot of choices.

Medicalized birth is a waste of money and makes victims out of goddesses. But a lot of people's jobs depend on it in this country.

Natural childbirth is an incredibly empowering and ecstatic experience for any woman. Finally, I just said, "A., don't believe all this crap. You are a healthy, strong, powerful birthing goddess and you don't need any of these epidurals or stuff like that. And I'm going to shut up now." Tears were standing in my eyes. Everyone just looked at me like, "that was weird" and got back to relishing the subject at hand which was all about how dramatic and traumatic it was all going to be. Blah!

But I did laugh a lot and the gift that I brought was well received. I took her a cute little baby toy and a Burt's Bees Baby collection. Everyone thought the products smelled so good. And she asked me, "where did you get this?" And I said "HEALTH FOOD STORE."

Just doing my part to subvert the dominant paradigm.

Current Location: at home, as usual
Current Mood: cynical

Well, it's no wonder I can't keep track of my dreams anymore. Here I am just starting to write it down and the baby is whining and crying.


I think I'll just make some notes now about some of the dream elements.

commercial

Loveland-Longmont?

house on a hill

truck driving down the mountain under gravity

meeting two women who were smoking cigarettes and doing ballet type exercises

speaking with them, the one woman remarking about how the sloping terrain really aids her muscle development.

looking at their house, realizing it was one that I considered buying

exploring the house and yard, looking for a garden, lots of green grass

coming in the house, having an attack of some sort, receiving mouth-to-mouth and then having convulsions.

telling them to get B.

he acted like nothing really happened and we left to go out to eat

took our food with us? saying, why are we taking food into a restaurant

B. saying that's how it's done

ordering salad and red wine and tasting someone's hummus, not as good as mine

walking behind B in an alley of some kind. He was wearing a kilt of black-and-purple plaid.

***********

what I like about this live journal is I can edit this later as I remember more. I got a new dream dictionary at a garage sale. I think it might be the same one my friend CB uses. The Dreamer's Dictionary by Lady Stearn Robinson & Tom Corbett.

"if you dreamed of having convulsions yourself, you are in danger of being legally cheated by someone you trust. Make sure your affairs are in order." Well who could that be but my husband. We are drifting apart very seriously and I don't always trust him.

"green and well-tended grass predicts success in all your undertakings."

Current Mood: okay

My older daughter called me at 7:30 in the morning on Thursday to let me know that I'm going to be a grandma again. Wow! I drew a few cards on it. Got the Princess of Cups a couple of times so I'm placing an early bet on another granddaughter. My daughter continues to talk about the possibility of moving out to Colorado. That would be absolutely fabulous. If that is for the good of all, I hope that it may come to pass.

We're planning to take the boys to the county fair if the sprinkly rain even lets up. We want to take them up on the ferris wheel and on the carousel. I'm jonesing for a caramel apple!

Current Mood: peaceful

This is the time to set goals for the coming year. I have a lot. Physically, I want to continue to build muscle, lose fat, and tone my abdomen (barf!). Emotionally, I will work on objectivity on demand and self-control. Finanically, I will work on finding some personal income; either through a part-time job, business, or babysitting. I'd like to look into buying a rental house or duplex with the idea of my oldest daughter and her family coming out here next summer. If I could find a place that they could afford the monthly payment as their rent, then we could all work together to fix it up and possibly sell it for a profit in a few years. Then we could split the proceeds and they could have a downpayment on their own house. Intellectually, I want to read all of the herbalism magazines that I have that I haven't even glanced at yet, continue to study aromatherapy and tarot. Socially and Spiritually I want to connect with Rising Stones Circle or some similar group for celebrating the esbats and sabbats with others. I will continue to work on my solitary path as well. As a mother, I want to get even more organized so that I don't feel like I'm missing things that should be done with little ones, i.e. swimming lessons, reading, art, etc.

Current Mood: productive

My best friend may have cancer in her ovaries. She definitely has multiple tumours in there. She's scared but very brave. My emotional reaction is anger. I'm angry at the American Medical Association that does all it can to brand alternative therapies as quackery and the Fraud and Drug Administration which is their attack dog. Because they are limiting her therapies to only surgery, chemo, yadda-yadda-yadda. Even if she decides to go the B17 route, she'll basically be breaking the law.

Here's the thing; intellectually I know that anger is a choice and that it is counterproductive to the situation on all levels; especially the metaphysical ones. But that doesn't seem to be sufficient to stop the flow of feeling. The F word just keeps coming out and that's a clear sign that I'm angry about something.

This whole week has been difficult. I got off to a rough start with a couple of nights of little sleep. My baby has been super demanding on top of it; the result of separation anxiety from leaving him with his big sister to babysit while I actually went out and partied on Friday for the first time since he was born. And, I ran out of caffeiene and weed the same day. My motivation went through the floor.

My neighbor, who is the closest thing to a friend I have since I moved, has been acting kind of strange towards me lately and it bothers me. I'm such an empathic sponge I literally sop up the feelings of people that my heart goes out to, and that's basically anyone whose suffering or struggling. My neighbor seems depressed and it's like I picked up a slight case of it from her. I need to do some shielding work. Actually, I need to do a lot of work on my Craft but there never seems to be enough time. I try to stay up after the baby goes to sleep but often I end up crashing too. Tonight, I'm up, but I'm on the computer AS USUAL.

And then today I was especially tense and I think I was picking up some vibes from my best friend. She is so important to me and I love her so much. She's one of the few people I've ever met who seem to really understand me. She's also one of the few people I've known for more than a couple of years; having moved so much in my life and never quite developing the knack for making friends easily. She and I have known each other for about 15 years although we haven't been close friends all of that time. She called this evening to let me know that she went to the doc today and was told the results of some testing. The results indicate the presence of cancer. And she's so scared. Yesterday, she was positive and in her power. She was certain that the tumours were benign and she was optimistic about her recovery.

I drew some Medicine Cards on it and got Antelope. Action. What action am I supposed to take? I asked the cards. Weasel. Stealth. I took that as help her get some Laetrile even if it means I have to drive to Mexico myself to get it.

I feel so alone and wish I had a teacher or counselor in the shamanic vein to turn to at moments like these. I want to participate in practices to send healing energy to my friend and just want someone to guide me a bit and hold my hand until I feel more comfortable and assured in my movements and devotions.